Fucked up mind of mine

I met my husband last night. I have been super emotional and I just wanted to see him……which was a stupid idea! We had a nice conversation. We reminisced and talked about our wedding since it was our 1 year anniversary…..

As I was turning to leave he started to cry and looked me into the eye and said……”please be my wife again. I need you. I want to have kids with you. I want to grow old with you.

So now I have mixed feelings. I really have been ok with our situation until now. I have talked to my best friend and she has reassured me that abusers don’t ever change. I want to believe he may have learned a lesson and maybe he is different.

But, I do not want to get back with him and go what I went through the first time! I was stupid to believe if I married him he wouldn’t put his hands on me anymore, but that wasn’t the case and now I feel that if we get back together he won’t put his hands on me, but I doubt that is the case.

I just need to get over this but it is so hard because I do miss him! But how can you miss someone who you were scared of? That is what I don’t understand. Why do I miss him? Is it lingering feelings or is it because I need my husband back?

Well here comes the other fucked up part of my mind.

My business associate who was strictly friends with benefits has became a little bit more than friends with benefits. We mesh soooooo good together and honestly when he is home on the weekends and we are together I do not think about my husband at all. My fwb has been staying the night and cuddling with me.. We cook dinner together and go places together and it feels normal. So this is why my mind is fucked up. I honestly see some type of future with my fwb..even if it is years down the road. He is very understanding and he wont do anything I don’t want to do. He actually knew my husband before me and he knows all about him. He calls and checks on me every night because he is worried my husband may do something stupid.

My fwb and I have been friends since we were 10…. and we know each others families so its easy for us. I miss him when he is gone out of town and he misses me and  I know he is a true good guy.. very rare to find but he is a good one. But he has told me if I wanted to go back to my husband and try to work it out he would be happy for me, but he doesn’t want to see me hurt.

So that is my dilemma….Do I try to make it work with my husband and hope he has changed…..or do I continue to move forward with my life and let things fall into place they way they should?

Once again this is the mind of a fucked up 25 year old. XOXO

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Fucked up 1 year anniversary

Well this week and weekend has been super tough. Sunday will be our 1 year anniversary, but instead of celebrating I will be filling out the divorce papers that are sitting on my kitchen table.

I did not expect my life to turn out this way. It is very embarrassing being that girl whose marriage only lasted 8 months. It is even more embarrassing when your HUSBAND is seen out with numerous girls and I am sitting at my little house with 3 dogs.

I have been bottling up all of my emotions…but sometimes like today I just can’t help but sit on my couch and bawl my eyes out.

Is this ever going to get easier…..am I ever going to feel like my life is complete?

This weekend I am shutting off my phone and I am going for a drive! I refuse to sit at home and dwell on what could have been… I don’t want to think about my wedding or my honeymoon….I just want to forget everything,

Another day in the life of a fucked up 25 year olds life.

I miss being a wife.

The saying “You never know what you had until it’s gone.” Is definitely what I am experiencing right now!

My marriage wasn’t ALWAYS terrible there were some good times…..very few good times, but what I miss the most is being a wife.

If I miss being a wife to a man who was awful to me I can only imagine what it will be like being a wife to a man who loves and respects me…if I ever find love again.

Anyways…it’s the little things I miss like planning meals together and going grocery shopping. I miss having a bond with someone and kissing someone goodnight. I miss coming home from work and having someone to share my day with. I miss going out for late night ice cream runs.

I sit here and ask myself if I made the best decision. But I promise I tried! Maybe if I forced him to go to anger management or counseling we could have fixed it, but he didn’t want to….so what was I to do?

I know God has a plan for me and I have to be patient, but it’s so hard. I need some reassurance everything is going to work out in the end.

I wonder if I am ever going to be a wife again…. and I know that is the last thing I should be thinking about, but I wonder if I that is in the cards for me………………………………

Oh well we will see!!

Fuck with my head

If you haven’t read any of my prior blogs…this one will not make sense to you. I don’t feel like elaborating what is going on in my life ……AGAIN!

So I haven’t heard from David since Saturday…when he basically said he wished I was dead and he didn’t want anything in the world to do with me…..until Tuesday night. He sent a simple text that said are you busy? I replied “kinda”….he responded nevermind. I knew exactly what was up.

He does this at least once a week. He gets drunk,,,,misses me and wants to talk to me and tell me he loves me. I didn’t fall for it this time. I never responded.

Today, I was having a wonderful day! It was my first actual day at my new summer job. I loved every bit of it!! I was leaving work when I got a phone call from David…….and his lawyer.  He is taking me to court. He filed for divorce. I never had so many emotions go through my head,

It is all surreal…it is exactly what I wanted but he is doing this dirty….I don’t understand why he couldn’t go to the courthouse sign the damn papers and be done with it. Noooo he wants to drag me through the mud!

I can’t explain how betrayed I am by this man! I left an abusive relationship and his family, community, and friends are behind him no matter what.

I WILL NEVER GET FUCKING MARRIED AGAIN!

All I want to say to David, is karma is a bitch and it is coming for you!

I for some reason care and love you but I don;t know how much longer I will and I feel soooooooo sorry for you. When your day comes. It’s not going to be a good day. I hate it for you.

a day in the life of a fucked up twenty five year old.

Journey to self happiness!

A lot of shit has went wrong in my life and I have spent a lot of time blaming others, but what for? I should be able to forgive and forget and move on with my life.

As I sit here with my very best friend (who is glued to her ipad) I have made a challenge for myself to make myself happy and only me. Is that selfish? I don’t think so…. A lot has failed in my life and I think it is because I haven’t really spent time on me. I have always wanted to please others! Well not this time!!

I am 25 years old I have a 5 year plan…yes I know it will not always work out how I want it to, but I at least have goals and dreams. Within 5 years I hope to be purchasing a farm. I would love to own a farm house with a few acres and have a few animals to raise. Even though it hurts me to say this because I am going through a divorce, but I really hope I have found someone who treats me like a queen. I want to be oooeeyyy gooooeeyy in love…I have never loved like that before.

With all of this in mind I become very overwhelmed. During my young adolescent irresponsible days and my unfortunate mishaps I have gotten myself into a financial bind. Plus the divorce hasn’t helped my problem either, I have some debt that I need to pay off asap! So that is where I am starting. I recently got a summer job and I am really excited to bring in an extra income to pay off these debts as quickly as possible.

Just a few minutes ago I paid off 1 of my credit cards. It felt really good and I for a split second I felt a wave of fresh air. I know it will take a lot of dedication and struggling to pay off my debts and build up my savings account. But I am sooo ready to start fresh and start this journey to self happiness.

Some days I wake up and seriously just want to go straight back to bed and I don’t want to be like that anymore.

SO as of right now I am on this journey to find my happiness and I challenge ALL of you to do the same. Even if it starts with paying off 1 credit card bill : )