Fucked up mind of mine

I met my husband last night. I have been super emotional and I just wanted to see him……which was a stupid idea! We had a nice conversation. We reminisced and talked about our wedding since it was our 1 year anniversary…..

As I was turning to leave he started to cry and looked me into the eye and said……”please be my wife again. I need you. I want to have kids with you. I want to grow old with you.

So now I have mixed feelings. I really have been ok with our situation until now. I have talked to my best friend and she has reassured me that abusers don’t ever change. I want to believe he may have learned a lesson and maybe he is different.

But, I do not want to get back with him and go what I went through the first time! I was stupid to believe if I married him he wouldn’t put his hands on me anymore, but that wasn’t the case and now I feel that if we get back together he won’t put his hands on me, but I doubt that is the case.

I just need to get over this but it is so hard because I do miss him! But how can you miss someone who you were scared of? That is what I don’t understand. Why do I miss him? Is it lingering feelings or is it because I need my husband back?

Well here comes the other fucked up part of my mind.

My business associate who was strictly friends with benefits has became a little bit more than friends with benefits. We mesh soooooo good together and honestly when he is home on the weekends and we are together I do not think about my husband at all. My fwb has been staying the night and cuddling with me.. We cook dinner together and go places together and it feels normal. So this is why my mind is fucked up. I honestly see some type of future with my fwb..even if it is years down the road. He is very understanding and he wont do anything I don’t want to do. He actually knew my husband before me and he knows all about him. He calls and checks on me every night because he is worried my husband may do something stupid.

My fwb and I have been friends since we were 10…. and we know each others families so its easy for us. I miss him when he is gone out of town and he misses me and  I know he is a true good guy.. very rare to find but he is a good one. But he has told me if I wanted to go back to my husband and try to work it out he would be happy for me, but he doesn’t want to see me hurt.

So that is my dilemma….Do I try to make it work with my husband and hope he has changed…..or do I continue to move forward with my life and let things fall into place they way they should?

Once again this is the mind of a fucked up 25 year old. XOXO


4 thoughts on “Fucked up mind of mine

  1. I am not here to judge you, I work with battered women on a daily basis. I am not here to tell you what to do, but unless he has taken the necessary steps to bettering himself (i.e. extensive therapy), he is not going to change. You have a choice to make, live the rest of your life the way you did when you were with your husband or find someone who does not need to control every aspect of your life. People that batter their spouses are not angry, it is all about control and power over the person they are with. You seem like a girl that doesn’t take any shit, I suggest you continue being that girl and don’t let your guard down for him. I am only five years older than you, so I am not some old lady trying to help you out here, I get it. But, you actually got out of that relationship alive. You made a smart choice for yourself. Think of it this way, do you want your children to see that type of abuse? To witness that violence, maybe even your death. I have seen women who think their men have changed, go back to them and don’t live to see a week. In one case, the abuser killed his wife and all their five children (killing the children in front of the mother and then killing her). Tough subject, but it has to be dealt with and you have a difficult decision to make.


    • You don’t know how much I needed this today. I have been praying for a sign to figure out what I should do and then my phone beeped with this notification. I can’t thank you enough for making me realize what I really need to do. He hasn’t put in any effort to get me back..he just talks a lot of shit. I know deep down in my heart he isn’t going to change……I’m just having a hard time understanding it all I suppose. But once again thank you soooo much. You have no idea how you have helped me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • im glad to help. wish we were in the same town, we could have grab some coffee of something. but this is the next best thing. you are welcome and sooner or later it will all make sense….when u r looking back and reflecting on your life, and you realize you made the best choice.


  2. I really appreciate your advice! I feel like my family and friends really don’t understand how it feels. If we were in the same town that would be amazing! I seriously think we were separated at birth!


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