I met my husband last night. I have been super emotional and I just wanted to see him……which was a stupid idea! We had a nice conversation. We reminisced and talked about our wedding since it was our 1 year anniversary…..
As I was turning to leave he started to cry and looked me into the eye and said……”please be my wife again. I need you. I want to have kids with you. I want to grow old with you.
So now I have mixed feelings. I really have been ok with our situation until now. I have talked to my best friend and she has reassured me that abusers don’t ever change. I want to believe he may have learned a lesson and maybe he is different.
But, I do not want to get back with him and go what I went through the first time! I was stupid to believe if I married him he wouldn’t put his hands on me anymore, but that wasn’t the case and now I feel that if we get back together he won’t put his hands on me, but I doubt that is the case.
I just need to get over this but it is so hard because I do miss him! But how can you miss someone who you were scared of? That is what I don’t understand. Why do I miss him? Is it lingering feelings or is it because I need my husband back?
Well here comes the other fucked up part of my mind.
My business associate who was strictly friends with benefits has became a little bit more than friends with benefits. We mesh soooooo good together and honestly when he is home on the weekends and we are together I do not think about my husband at all. My fwb has been staying the night and cuddling with me.. We cook dinner together and go places together and it feels normal. So this is why my mind is fucked up. I honestly see some type of future with my fwb..even if it is years down the road. He is very understanding and he wont do anything I don’t want to do. He actually knew my husband before me and he knows all about him. He calls and checks on me every night because he is worried my husband may do something stupid.
My fwb and I have been friends since we were 10…. and we know each others families so its easy for us. I miss him when he is gone out of town and he misses me and I know he is a true good guy.. very rare to find but he is a good one. But he has told me if I wanted to go back to my husband and try to work it out he would be happy for me, but he doesn’t want to see me hurt.
So that is my dilemma….Do I try to make it work with my husband and hope he has changed…..or do I continue to move forward with my life and let things fall into place they way they should?
Once again this is the mind of a fucked up 25 year old. XOXO