Wasting time.

Currently: I am sitting on my back porch listening to sappy love songs and the song of the south (chirping crickets). I am alone. I am peaceful. I have an unusual amount of energy and happiness in my heart for some reason. Even though the title of this post doesn’t seem so friendly. But here goes.

I am 26. I will be 27 in less than 2 months. I’ve learned time is the MOST valuable thing you can give someone, but people seem to forget that. I am currently in a relationship. This relationship is shy of 2 months old “officially” but this flame has been kindling for 4 years now, but within those 4 years…he disappeared….I got married then divorced and he reappeared. I was CRAZY for this man. He was a challenge. Yes this is my FWB from other posts. Now that he is finally “mine” I have realized something. This man does not value my time.

So what do I do? I am 27. Divorced. No Children. Broke as hell. I could break up with him and start all over, or I could hope for the best that he will somehow magically not be SO INCONSIDERATE.  I have spent my entire adult life pleasing others and going out of my way to make them happy, and I can’t remember a time someone has done that for me. Does it exist? Do men like the movies exist? of course not, but I do believe there are men out there that TRIES.

I read a quote earlier that made me think. ” A man will only put in work for a woman he really wants.” Maybe this man doesn’t really want me. But why would he be with me? Maybe he has the same thoughts about me as I do him.

Communication is KEY and I suck at it. I am not a religious person at all, but I pray I am making the best decision. I am turning it all over to God. He will show me the way, the direction. I have faith. I do pray for a sign or an answer.

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Coping.

I have been coping with my separation for 5 months now. It has seriously been physically, mentally, and emotionally the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I am not going to lie…sometimes I cave and call my husband. I know that we will NEVER be good for each other, but some times being strong is too hard.

People ask me if I am happy now and I always respond “Yes, I am doing pretty good” but the truth is I am not happy..or sad…or mad….or depressed….I am nothing. It is a weird feeling and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have been trying to occupy my time with my FWB, but things with him have been going in a weird direction. He comes home on Thursday nights and we hang out all weekend and he stays at my house, but we may have sex 1 night during the entire weekend. That is the only thing that has changed..he still holds my hands and cuddles me. He still hangs out with me and acknowledges me, but he just doesn’t get intimate. And if you know me….this is a huge problem. I am ADDICTED to sex! I really don’t want to start sleeping with anyone else, but man he needs to put out! So men out there if you could tell me what the deal is that would be great!

I really like my FWB… I have definitely met my match with him… he is as stubborn as I am and that is a problem too but I kinda like it! And he is the most real person I have ever met! He will tell me what I need to hear…not what I want to hear and I appreciate that a lot!

So back to my separation… Papers have been signed…court is September 28…I dread it. I just want all this to be over and done with. But please send good vibes and prayers that I don’t cave anymore. I am afraid I am going to let him get the best of me…again.

Just another day in a fucked up mid twenties girls life

Random Rambles

My last few post have been depressing a deep. I want this post to be fun and spontaneous. So here goes…..ENJOY! 

* Third Eyed Blind is a bomb ass band!

* I have a huge ass heart and I put everyone’s happiness before mine.

* Animals make me smile more than anything in the world.

* Sex is only amazing if there is a connection with the person.

* I lose myself in a good book and a bubble bath.

* I have baby fever!

* I am the black sheep in the family.

* I love to yard sale!

* I am very self conscious.

* I want to live near the coast.

* Lesbian porn is my favorite.

* All I want to do in life is watch football, drink beer and have some bomb ass sex!

* I need a tv sooooo bad.

* Marshmallows are the perfect snack.

* Anxiety tries to control my life.

* Talking during sex is where it’s at.

* Being in my mid 20’s has been the hardest part of life so far.

* I like feeling a man with a beard in between my legs.

* I have never gotten “off” from oral sex.

Another day in the mind of a fucked up 25 year old!

*

Fucked up mind of mine

I met my husband last night. I have been super emotional and I just wanted to see him……which was a stupid idea! We had a nice conversation. We reminisced and talked about our wedding since it was our 1 year anniversary…..

As I was turning to leave he started to cry and looked me into the eye and said……”please be my wife again. I need you. I want to have kids with you. I want to grow old with you.

So now I have mixed feelings. I really have been ok with our situation until now. I have talked to my best friend and she has reassured me that abusers don’t ever change. I want to believe he may have learned a lesson and maybe he is different.

But, I do not want to get back with him and go what I went through the first time! I was stupid to believe if I married him he wouldn’t put his hands on me anymore, but that wasn’t the case and now I feel that if we get back together he won’t put his hands on me, but I doubt that is the case.

I just need to get over this but it is so hard because I do miss him! But how can you miss someone who you were scared of? That is what I don’t understand. Why do I miss him? Is it lingering feelings or is it because I need my husband back?

Well here comes the other fucked up part of my mind.

My business associate who was strictly friends with benefits has became a little bit more than friends with benefits. We mesh soooooo good together and honestly when he is home on the weekends and we are together I do not think about my husband at all. My fwb has been staying the night and cuddling with me.. We cook dinner together and go places together and it feels normal. So this is why my mind is fucked up. I honestly see some type of future with my fwb..even if it is years down the road. He is very understanding and he wont do anything I don’t want to do. He actually knew my husband before me and he knows all about him. He calls and checks on me every night because he is worried my husband may do something stupid.

My fwb and I have been friends since we were 10…. and we know each others families so its easy for us. I miss him when he is gone out of town and he misses me and  I know he is a true good guy.. very rare to find but he is a good one. But he has told me if I wanted to go back to my husband and try to work it out he would be happy for me, but he doesn’t want to see me hurt.

So that is my dilemma….Do I try to make it work with my husband and hope he has changed…..or do I continue to move forward with my life and let things fall into place they way they should?

Once again this is the mind of a fucked up 25 year old. XOXO

I miss being a wife.

The saying “You never know what you had until it’s gone.” Is definitely what I am experiencing right now!

My marriage wasn’t ALWAYS terrible there were some good times…..very few good times, but what I miss the most is being a wife.

If I miss being a wife to a man who was awful to me I can only imagine what it will be like being a wife to a man who loves and respects me…if I ever find love again.

Anyways…it’s the little things I miss like planning meals together and going grocery shopping. I miss having a bond with someone and kissing someone goodnight. I miss coming home from work and having someone to share my day with. I miss going out for late night ice cream runs.

I sit here and ask myself if I made the best decision. But I promise I tried! Maybe if I forced him to go to anger management or counseling we could have fixed it, but he didn’t want to….so what was I to do?

I know God has a plan for me and I have to be patient, but it’s so hard. I need some reassurance everything is going to work out in the end.

I wonder if I am ever going to be a wife again…. and I know that is the last thing I should be thinking about, but I wonder if I that is in the cards for me………………………………

Oh well we will see!!

Journey to self happiness!

A lot of shit has went wrong in my life and I have spent a lot of time blaming others, but what for? I should be able to forgive and forget and move on with my life.

As I sit here with my very best friend (who is glued to her ipad) I have made a challenge for myself to make myself happy and only me. Is that selfish? I don’t think so…. A lot has failed in my life and I think it is because I haven’t really spent time on me. I have always wanted to please others! Well not this time!!

I am 25 years old I have a 5 year plan…yes I know it will not always work out how I want it to, but I at least have goals and dreams. Within 5 years I hope to be purchasing a farm. I would love to own a farm house with a few acres and have a few animals to raise. Even though it hurts me to say this because I am going through a divorce, but I really hope I have found someone who treats me like a queen. I want to be oooeeyyy gooooeeyy in love…I have never loved like that before.

With all of this in mind I become very overwhelmed. During my young adolescent irresponsible days and my unfortunate mishaps I have gotten myself into a financial bind. Plus the divorce hasn’t helped my problem either, I have some debt that I need to pay off asap! So that is where I am starting. I recently got a summer job and I am really excited to bring in an extra income to pay off these debts as quickly as possible.

Just a few minutes ago I paid off 1 of my credit cards. It felt really good and I for a split second I felt a wave of fresh air. I know it will take a lot of dedication and struggling to pay off my debts and build up my savings account. But I am sooo ready to start fresh and start this journey to self happiness.

Some days I wake up and seriously just want to go straight back to bed and I don’t want to be like that anymore.

SO as of right now I am on this journey to find my happiness and I challenge ALL of you to do the same. Even if it starts with paying off 1 credit card bill : )