Wasting time.

Currently: I am sitting on my back porch listening to sappy love songs and the song of the south (chirping crickets). I am alone. I am peaceful. I have an unusual amount of energy and happiness in my heart for some reason. Even though the title of this post doesn’t seem so friendly. But here goes.

I am 26. I will be 27 in less than 2 months. I’ve learned time is the MOST valuable thing you can give someone, but people seem to forget that. I am currently in a relationship. This relationship is shy of 2 months old “officially” but this flame has been kindling for 4 years now, but within those 4 years…he disappeared….I got married then divorced and he reappeared. I was CRAZY for this man. He was a challenge. Yes this is my FWB from other posts. Now that he is finally “mine” I have realized something. This man does not value my time.

So what do I do? I am 27. Divorced. No Children. Broke as hell. I could break up with him and start all over, or I could hope for the best that he will somehow magically not be SO INCONSIDERATE.  I have spent my entire adult life pleasing others and going out of my way to make them happy, and I can’t remember a time someone has done that for me. Does it exist? Do men like the movies exist? of course not, but I do believe there are men out there that TRIES.

I read a quote earlier that made me think. ” A man will only put in work for a woman he really wants.” Maybe this man doesn’t really want me. But why would he be with me? Maybe he has the same thoughts about me as I do him.

Communication is KEY and I suck at it. I am not a religious person at all, but I pray I am making the best decision. I am turning it all over to God. He will show me the way, the direction. I have faith. I do pray for a sign or an answer.

Coping.

I have been coping with my separation for 5 months now. It has seriously been physically, mentally, and emotionally the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I am not going to lie…sometimes I cave and call my husband. I know that we will NEVER be good for each other, but some times being strong is too hard.

People ask me if I am happy now and I always respond “Yes, I am doing pretty good” but the truth is I am not happy..or sad…or mad….or depressed….I am nothing. It is a weird feeling and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have been trying to occupy my time with my FWB, but things with him have been going in a weird direction. He comes home on Thursday nights and we hang out all weekend and he stays at my house, but we may have sex 1 night during the entire weekend. That is the only thing that has changed..he still holds my hands and cuddles me. He still hangs out with me and acknowledges me, but he just doesn’t get intimate. And if you know me….this is a huge problem. I am ADDICTED to sex! I really don’t want to start sleeping with anyone else, but man he needs to put out! So men out there if you could tell me what the deal is that would be great!

I really like my FWB… I have definitely met my match with him… he is as stubborn as I am and that is a problem too but I kinda like it! And he is the most real person I have ever met! He will tell me what I need to hear…not what I want to hear and I appreciate that a lot!

So back to my separation… Papers have been signed…court is September 28…I dread it. I just want all this to be over and done with. But please send good vibes and prayers that I don’t cave anymore. I am afraid I am going to let him get the best of me…again.

Just another day in a fucked up mid twenties girls life

Random Rambles

My last few post have been depressing a deep. I want this post to be fun and spontaneous. So here goes…..ENJOY! 

* Third Eyed Blind is a bomb ass band!

* I have a huge ass heart and I put everyone’s happiness before mine.

* Animals make me smile more than anything in the world.

* Sex is only amazing if there is a connection with the person.

* I lose myself in a good book and a bubble bath.

* I have baby fever!

* I am the black sheep in the family.

* I love to yard sale!

* I am very self conscious.

* I want to live near the coast.

* Lesbian porn is my favorite.

* All I want to do in life is watch football, drink beer and have some bomb ass sex!

* I need a tv sooooo bad.

* Marshmallows are the perfect snack.

* Anxiety tries to control my life.

* Talking during sex is where it’s at.

* Being in my mid 20’s has been the hardest part of life so far.

* I like feeling a man with a beard in between my legs.

* I have never gotten “off” from oral sex.

Another day in the mind of a fucked up 25 year old!

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