Coping.

I have been coping with my separation for 5 months now. It has seriously been physically, mentally, and emotionally the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I am not going to lie…sometimes I cave and call my husband. I know that we will NEVER be good for each other, but some times being strong is too hard.

People ask me if I am happy now and I always respond “Yes, I am doing pretty good” but the truth is I am not happy..or sad…or mad….or depressed….I am nothing. It is a weird feeling and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have been trying to occupy my time with my FWB, but things with him have been going in a weird direction. He comes home on Thursday nights and we hang out all weekend and he stays at my house, but we may have sex 1 night during the entire weekend. That is the only thing that has changed..he still holds my hands and cuddles me. He still hangs out with me and acknowledges me, but he just doesn’t get intimate. And if you know me….this is a huge problem. I am ADDICTED to sex! I really don’t want to start sleeping with anyone else, but man he needs to put out! So men out there if you could tell me what the deal is that would be great!

I really like my FWB… I have definitely met my match with him… he is as stubborn as I am and that is a problem too but I kinda like it! And he is the most real person I have ever met! He will tell me what I need to hear…not what I want to hear and I appreciate that a lot!

So back to my separation… Papers have been signed…court is September 28…I dread it. I just want all this to be over and done with. But please send good vibes and prayers that I don’t cave anymore. I am afraid I am going to let him get the best of me…again.

Just another day in a fucked up mid twenties girls life

Fucked up mind of mine

I met my husband last night. I have been super emotional and I just wanted to see him……which was a stupid idea! We had a nice conversation. We reminisced and talked about our wedding since it was our 1 year anniversary…..

As I was turning to leave he started to cry and looked me into the eye and said……”please be my wife again. I need you. I want to have kids with you. I want to grow old with you.

So now I have mixed feelings. I really have been ok with our situation until now. I have talked to my best friend and she has reassured me that abusers don’t ever change. I want to believe he may have learned a lesson and maybe he is different.

But, I do not want to get back with him and go what I went through the first time! I was stupid to believe if I married him he wouldn’t put his hands on me anymore, but that wasn’t the case and now I feel that if we get back together he won’t put his hands on me, but I doubt that is the case.

I just need to get over this but it is so hard because I do miss him! But how can you miss someone who you were scared of? That is what I don’t understand. Why do I miss him? Is it lingering feelings or is it because I need my husband back?

Well here comes the other fucked up part of my mind.

My business associate who was strictly friends with benefits has became a little bit more than friends with benefits. We mesh soooooo good together and honestly when he is home on the weekends and we are together I do not think about my husband at all. My fwb has been staying the night and cuddling with me.. We cook dinner together and go places together and it feels normal. So this is why my mind is fucked up. I honestly see some type of future with my fwb..even if it is years down the road. He is very understanding and he wont do anything I don’t want to do. He actually knew my husband before me and he knows all about him. He calls and checks on me every night because he is worried my husband may do something stupid.

My fwb and I have been friends since we were 10…. and we know each others families so its easy for us. I miss him when he is gone out of town and he misses me and  I know he is a true good guy.. very rare to find but he is a good one. But he has told me if I wanted to go back to my husband and try to work it out he would be happy for me, but he doesn’t want to see me hurt.

So that is my dilemma….Do I try to make it work with my husband and hope he has changed…..or do I continue to move forward with my life and let things fall into place they way they should?

Once again this is the mind of a fucked up 25 year old. XOXO

Fucked up 1 year anniversary

Well this week and weekend has been super tough. Sunday will be our 1 year anniversary, but instead of celebrating I will be filling out the divorce papers that are sitting on my kitchen table.

I did not expect my life to turn out this way. It is very embarrassing being that girl whose marriage only lasted 8 months. It is even more embarrassing when your HUSBAND is seen out with numerous girls and I am sitting at my little house with 3 dogs.

I have been bottling up all of my emotions…but sometimes like today I just can’t help but sit on my couch and bawl my eyes out.

Is this ever going to get easier…..am I ever going to feel like my life is complete?

This weekend I am shutting off my phone and I am going for a drive! I refuse to sit at home and dwell on what could have been… I don’t want to think about my wedding or my honeymoon….I just want to forget everything,

Another day in the life of a fucked up 25 year olds life.

I miss being a wife.

The saying “You never know what you had until it’s gone.” Is definitely what I am experiencing right now!

My marriage wasn’t ALWAYS terrible there were some good times…..very few good times, but what I miss the most is being a wife.

If I miss being a wife to a man who was awful to me I can only imagine what it will be like being a wife to a man who loves and respects me…if I ever find love again.

Anyways…it’s the little things I miss like planning meals together and going grocery shopping. I miss having a bond with someone and kissing someone goodnight. I miss coming home from work and having someone to share my day with. I miss going out for late night ice cream runs.

I sit here and ask myself if I made the best decision. But I promise I tried! Maybe if I forced him to go to anger management or counseling we could have fixed it, but he didn’t want to….so what was I to do?

I know God has a plan for me and I have to be patient, but it’s so hard. I need some reassurance everything is going to work out in the end.

I wonder if I am ever going to be a wife again…. and I know that is the last thing I should be thinking about, but I wonder if I that is in the cards for me………………………………

Oh well we will see!!

I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS!

So if you have read any of my prior blogs you should know I am going through a divorce and I LOVE sex which kind of makes this post a bit odd.

So I am the girl who has more guy friends than girl friends. Simply because I can’t deal with drama and I know a lot about sports which means I have more in common with guys. ANYWAYS ever since all of my guy friends found out I was getting a divorce they have not yet asked how I was doing, but simply asking me if I want to fuck!

I have known these guy friends of mine since we were 10 so 15 years and it really irks me that they have not been sympathetic to my situation what so ever! Obviously I am not depressed or upset about my divorce I am actually relieved because I don’t have to walk on egg shells anymore.

BUT STILL they don’t know the details and they don’t know about my friends with benefits on the side. My FWB is actually different from all of my other guy friends….I have known him for 15 years as well and he is basically a guy version of me and we work really well together. I can tell him he is an ass and he can tell me I am being a bitch and we are good with it and move on.

But moral of my rant be sympathetic you jerks!!! I am tired of hanging out and you getting all awkward with me and trying to hug and kiss on me! Like please be a bit respectful…. I AM A LADY even though I act like a man!! Geezzz

Mid twenty journeys

I decided on the blog name mid twenty journeys because I am in my mid twenties and I have had a hell lot of journeys. I hope some of you can relate to me. If you do then your life may be as fucked up as mine. From the outside I am “normal” I have a house, 3 dogs, and a wonderful career. But what the outside doesn’t see is that I am 25 and going through a divorce. My marriage lasted all of 6 months. I knew from the day he proposed it wasn’t going to work. I wanted marriage and a family so badly I didn’t care how he treated me I wanted that lifestyle. I am a bit of a cougar. He is 4 years younger than me. His age probably has to do a lot with his behavior. After I realized I wanted out of my marriage I moved to a different city. I went on a vacation with my mom and my aunt. We had a blast, I even hooked up with a guy from a bar…. to me life was going GREAT! I have not filed for divorce because I am scared of committing to something that is “forever” I know once we are divorced it is forever! By no means do I want to still be with him, it is just a big pill to swallow to realize I am divorced at 25 after a 9 month marriage. I mean things could definitely be worse! I do worry about him sometimes. Is this normal? Majority of my days I don’t miss him one bit, but on nights like tonight…I do miss him. I don’t know why. But here comes the shocker…I kind of already moved on. There is this guy who I am in business with…. we used to fuck and now we fuck again. I realize I shouldn’t do this…but it’s like I feel the need to feel wanted! I need sexual attention. A LOT of sexual attention. I am not a normal female. I love sex. In my college days and even a year after I participated in a lot of sexual activities if you will. Numerous partners a week. I don’t regret it. I am not that type of girl.. I don’t want to be. I believe sex is how I look for love. I honestly don’t think I have ever been in love before which is sad. Back to my business partner… we have a contract deal and rules Fifty Shades may have inspired me. HE doesn’t want a relationship and neither do I. It is strictly a just fucking relationship. BUT things have started progressing into a “real” relationship the past few weeks. Neither of us will mention it. The thing is it FEELS good! I like it! If anything ever came of this I know it is automatically doomed because I am technically married. Once again I have fucked it up! My decisions have been fucked up here lately. When am I going to get my head out of my ass and find happiness within myself and not in physical attention? Hmmmm just another day in a mid twenty’s fucked up life. xoxoxo