Wasting time.

Currently: I am sitting on my back porch listening to sappy love songs and the song of the south (chirping crickets). I am alone. I am peaceful. I have an unusual amount of energy and happiness in my heart for some reason. Even though the title of this post doesn’t seem so friendly. But here goes.

I am 26. I will be 27 in less than 2 months. I’ve learned time is the MOST valuable thing you can give someone, but people seem to forget that. I am currently in a relationship. This relationship is shy of 2 months old “officially” but this flame has been kindling for 4 years now, but within those 4 years…he disappeared….I got married then divorced and he reappeared. I was CRAZY for this man. He was a challenge. Yes this is my FWB from other posts. Now that he is finally “mine” I have realized something. This man does not value my time.

So what do I do? I am 27. Divorced. No Children. Broke as hell. I could break up with him and start all over, or I could hope for the best that he will somehow magically not be SO INCONSIDERATE.  I have spent my entire adult life pleasing others and going out of my way to make them happy, and I can’t remember a time someone has done that for me. Does it exist? Do men like the movies exist? of course not, but I do believe there are men out there that TRIES.

I read a quote earlier that made me think. ” A man will only put in work for a woman he really wants.” Maybe this man doesn’t really want me. But why would he be with me? Maybe he has the same thoughts about me as I do him.

Communication is KEY and I suck at it. I am not a religious person at all, but I pray I am making the best decision. I am turning it all over to God. He will show me the way, the direction. I have faith. I do pray for a sign or an answer.

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1 year later

Wow, it has been a really long time since I have blogged. A year ago today I was going through a separation.

Fast forward: I am divorced. I couldn’t be happier about the situation. He actually had to go to rehab, now he is out and has a baby on the way.

So my last post was talking about my FWB. Well FWB is still my FWB. We are not “officially” boyfriend/girlfriend, but he lives with me. We like to think of ourselves as teammates. I like what we have going on. Why fix something if it isn’t broken?

21 Things You Should Know Before Dating A Teacher

Thought Catalog

1. The club is not going up on a Tuesday…or a Friday for that matter. Weekday nights (yes, including Friday) are not nights for going out. We will be asleep by 8pm, so Netflix and Chipotle are a better bet than anything that requires pants.

2. We will have the best stories to share with you over dinner and drinks. You’ll start to look forward to these anecdotes every day – there is literally never a dull moment.

3. The topic of state tests and/or teacher evaluations will send us into a tizzy. Unless you want to hear us rant for twenty minutes, don’t mention either of these things.

4. We are ridiculously easy to shop for when it comes to the holidays. White board markers, stickers, those colored Flair pens – basically, just fill up a tote bag with items from Staples and we are happy.

5. Coffee is…

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Fuck with my head

If you haven’t read any of my prior blogs…this one will not make sense to you. I don’t feel like elaborating what is going on in my life ……AGAIN!

So I haven’t heard from David since Saturday…when he basically said he wished I was dead and he didn’t want anything in the world to do with me…..until Tuesday night. He sent a simple text that said are you busy? I replied “kinda”….he responded nevermind. I knew exactly what was up.

He does this at least once a week. He gets drunk,,,,misses me and wants to talk to me and tell me he loves me. I didn’t fall for it this time. I never responded.

Today, I was having a wonderful day! It was my first actual day at my new summer job. I loved every bit of it!! I was leaving work when I got a phone call from David…….and his lawyer.  He is taking me to court. He filed for divorce. I never had so many emotions go through my head,

It is all surreal…it is exactly what I wanted but he is doing this dirty….I don’t understand why he couldn’t go to the courthouse sign the damn papers and be done with it. Noooo he wants to drag me through the mud!

I can’t explain how betrayed I am by this man! I left an abusive relationship and his family, community, and friends are behind him no matter what.

I WILL NEVER GET FUCKING MARRIED AGAIN!

All I want to say to David, is karma is a bitch and it is coming for you!

I for some reason care and love you but I don;t know how much longer I will and I feel soooooooo sorry for you. When your day comes. It’s not going to be a good day. I hate it for you.

a day in the life of a fucked up twenty five year old.

Fucked up!

gg

Normally I wouldn’t do this. But hey no one knows who I am or anything about me.

Since my husband and I separated I have not talked bad about him or told anyone our business. When people asked “Hey what happened to you and David?” I say things just didn’t work out. I have been very mature about the entire thing…until now!

I am irate! So here is why…..I am from a very small town where everyone knows everyone. My husband’s family is very well known in our community and owns several businesses. His parents are the sweetest people on the planet! So with that being said everyone thinks David is a perfect southern gentleman….so did I that is how he comes off.

Well no one knows the dark truth about David. And I am about to fill you in on a little secret in a way I wish the bastard would read this!

As  I was checking out at a very well known market in my town a young man approached me telling me he saw my husband at a local bar with a trashy looking girl. (I am not trying to be conceited, but I have a college degree, I am petite…I AM the girl you want to take home to momma….despite my obsession with sex lol) anyways he described this girl as tatted up, smoking and bleach blonde hair with her roots showing….TOTALLY OPPOSITE OF ME! anyways he went on to say that He mentioned me and my husband soon to be ex husband had informed him I had an affair with a cop.

So apparently everyone now thinks I had an affair!!! I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR! I want the world to know why we are divorcing! And I am going to tell you guys so I can let out my frustrations!!!! My husband has anger problems….. my husband was very abusive to me, physically and emotionally… He also had a drinking problem. He choked me….he locked me in a room and refused to let me out….he would tell me I was worth nothing and that I was disgusting to him. He would control the money and I could never pay my bills until he had his beer bought for the week….So if there wasn’t enough money left for my bills it didn’t matter.

I understand sleeping with my friend with benefits is not a good idea considering I am STILL married, but we separated in February and my friends with benefits didn’t start until the end of April! That was the first person I have had sex with since my husband! But I have needs and I just miss having someone to be physical with. I know it’s not right but my marriage was over long before this even happened.

During this entire separation I never spoke badly of him because we both have very important careers that we have to have a very good reputation for. I didn’t want to ruin that for him so I never told the truth about why we were getting a divorce!

Now that I have found out the lies he has told makes me want to post on every social networking site the truth! But I am going to be more mature than that. I hope people do not believe the lies about me but I am sure they will because Davis is such a “southern gentleman”. But I have never in my life felt so betrayed.. how can someone who supposedly loved you try to bring you down so low!???

Being only 25 going through a divorce is embarrassing! Our marriage didn’t even make it a full year and that’s even more embarrassing and now that I walk into a store I know people are looking at me thinking I had an affair. I just don’t understand….. life is very fucked up! But I will not continue to let him hurt me so if you want to believe I had an affair so be it! I’m happier now because I can come home unafraid of what is going to happen! I am no longer walking on eggshells!

David, you are by far the shittiest person I have ever met and karma is coming for you! I can’t wait until the day our divorce is final..I will walk away and never look back….HERE IS A BIG FUCK YOU TO YOU ASSHOLE! 

Porn isn’t enough.

Unfortunately my FWB (friends with benefits) works out of town Monday – Thursday. 

In a way it is a good thing because Thursday night – Sunday night we fuck A LOT! And it’s really good sex too! He is very dominant which is unusual because I am usually the one who takes control in the bedroom. 

Anyways… So the nights he is away. I have to get myself off because I am apparently a nymph and need to get off on a daily basis! But porn isn’t enough for me. It gets the job done but literally I’m only satisfied for like 20 mins and then the urge comes back. 

Maybe self satisfaction isn’t my forte. But I’m trying to restrain from going crazy like I used to be with multiple partners….so I’m only sticking to one fuck buddy this time. 

So what’s the secret? Am I doing something wrong. Or maybe I just need physical affection during my orgasm to feel completely satisfied. Because after a good round of fucking I’m golden, but when I try to do the deed myself I’m never satisfied afterwards.

Any tricks I should try before I spend my entire day with my dildo only to be left unsatisfied?  

I really hope my FWB is ready for Thursday because my urges are getting unbearable and I need to release. 

Xoxoxo just another fucked up day in the life of mid twentys!